I'm Going to Make My Move

I know we're great friends
But how long am I suppose to keep my mouth shut?
How can I sit here and listen to you complain about boy after boy who doesn't love you, when I'm here, pouring out gallons of love after love for you?!
And so tonight I'm making my move
I know we're great friends
But how long am I suppose to keep my mouth shut?

Tressa Marie Scharf

I am in love with you.

I Had a Dream

That my father, the one who I thought for so many years was living out in Southern America due to the fact that he was deported for drug smuggling, was living with my other side of the family. And I broke out in tears when I saw him, not because I was finally seeing him for so long, but because he was living in California, and he had not tried to get in touch with me. He tried to explain himself, but I just walked away.


Oh well.

Another "Attempt"

I tried to rip the sky with my bare hands
I tried to pull apart the clouds and get through to the cold blue sky
I tried to climb out by pulling on the stars, and slowly working myself up
I tried to grab on to rotating planets and large rocks
I tried to escape this horrible form of slavery I've brought myself into
However, I was always a quitter.

Younger

We sat on her bed, and she showed me photograph after photograph of her in her younger years. Each one tied to a story of what once was. The further we dug into the pile, the younger she became. The less fragile, the less scared, and the less unhappy she would become as well. Until finally, a photograph of her first birthday was uncovered. She paused, there was no story to tell, you could read it in the photo. You could see how fragile, how scared, and how unhappy she was. She was a little girl, and already she was lost. She let her body fall and she laid there on my lap, still holding onto the photograph. I combed my fingers through her hair and promised her that I would do all I could to keep her safe.

If I Could Fuck Myself Real Good

"Oh, don't get all mushy on me Jesse!" She said as I leaned in and began confessing my love for her.
I told her I was too high to realize how weird I was being, but that wasn't true. I was as sober as ever.
"Are you going to go to the Animal Collective show on the 23rd?" She asked. "Yeah, you?" I responded. "I'm not sure, I want to go, but none of my friends want to go. They think Animal Collective is just a bunch of noise! They obviously have never heard Loch Raven, or Number One, or Unsolved Mysteries, or Banshee Beat, or any of that stuff! They're probably basing it off of like Who Could Win a Rabbit or some shit! Hha." "I know what you mean, I HATE Who Could Win a Rabbit. Why don't you come with my friends and I?" She looked at me, a bit puzzled like. I'm not sure what she was thinking in that split second. Maybe something along the lines of whether or not I'd try to make a move on her then, or if I'd think of it as more than just two friends going to a show. She would have been right to think both those things of me. The only way I could justify it is by saying that I'm lonely. And by saying that I haven't had sex in six months now. Not that that's any justification at all.
"Sure" she finally said, after what seemed like a lifetime of deliberation. "Okay" I said, and then I leaned in for a kiss and we fucked all night long... Yeah, that's how it happened... Yeah...

I Don't Wish That I Was Dead

I saw my ex-lover on the TV today. She'd gone off and become a famous writer. I was overcome with such a strange feeling. I looked over at my wife, in the kitchen, while staring at her on the screen. I guess I was afraid my wife would notice me staring at her breasts. How sick I am, I thought. How ungrateful I am. Here I am, sitting in a living room fully furnished by my wife, after eating a delicious meal that my wife so lovingly prepared, and yet here I am. Salivating over my ex-lover as if I were some predator, and her the prey. I truly am a monster.

I've Fooled Myself

I hung up the phone and looked around my bedroom, as if trying to find something that would prove I was still asleep. Something that would prove she didn't say what she said. But alas, there was nothing out of the ordinary. The art she made me was still on my night stand, my phone was still glowing on the charger, and my walls were still dimly lit by the outside, street lamps. I panicked, I didn't want to believe it, I frantically pushed myself up to the window and violently pulled at the blinds. I pulled up on the two black tabs of my window screen and pushed outward. The screen fell out and I stepped up to the windowsill. I tried to convince myself that I would jump. But I could not do it... and then I knew, this was the real world, and I'm still a coward.

Holding Hands

We were riding down the tallest hill in our town. I lifted up my arms and began to flap them like some sort of drunken bird. I leaned my weight to the right and turned without using the handle bar. I was half showing off in front of her and half enjoying myself. The wind was light and crisp, others would consider it "freezing". But not us no. We live for the cold. The clicking of my bicycle chain was constant and fine. She said something, or asked me something, but the wind filtering through my ears, overpowered her soft voice. I simply nodded my head and gave a slight shrug of my shoulders. I figured any kind of response would let her know that I at least tried to hear what she said.

We came to a clearing and got off our bikes. "Let's go to that tree over there" I said, "the tall one with the red in it." She followed me close behind, rolling her bike along side her, as I did mine. We stopped at the foot of the tree and I pulled the blanket out from the basket adhered to my bike. She gently placed her bike on the tree's trunk as I laid the blanket on the lush green land. I laid down on my back and starred up at the sky. There was nothing but a large grayish, whitish blanketed cloud. She laid next to me, on her side, and placed her head on my chest with her arm holding me tightly. She looked up at me, and I looked down in to those dark brown pools. This was all I ever wanted. This.

No Truth,

The last two blogs hold no truth, this one however, does. Regardless of its title.

Irrelevant Relevance

Have you ever looked out a window, to find there's nothing there. There's nothing more on the outside than there is on the inside. It's an extremely saddening feeling. I've always looked to the window as a source of inspiration, as something to make me feel as if there is more in life. But there's nothing out there. Nothing at all, just a large, empty, white landscape of nothing. I don't know what to believe anymore... Is there anything worth living for? Is there anything...

Maybe, maybe the inspiration is not in what is outside the window, but in the window itself. Maybe this blankness is what I've been looking for. Maybe this is the more, the new, the something. Maybe.

This Shit.

My best friend told me that she was going to be there for me whenever no one else would. But she has disappeared, along with the rest of the cold world. Often times I wonder what trust is when trust fades, when trust can be easily broken, when trust is nothing but another word in the dictionary under my bed. Who are you to tell me what to and not to believe?! Who am I? What kind of life is this...

Comeback.

I have come to the realization that I have not wrote anything worth reading in a while. And so here I am. I've been on something like a vacation. However, it's more that of a permanent vacation. I'm not going anywhere, but I'm just a new me. With new objectives, and new ideals, and a new outlook on a once gloomy, uneventful life. I am new. I hope you can come along with me :]

Something More To Life: Two

I'd never been on this side of it all, but I guess now I am. It's rather comical really, I actually enjoy it. Not because of the facts, but because it feel's good inside. If anything, the facts are the things I hate, the things I wish were not facts at all. Though I am still unsure as to whether or not this will be something great, I know I like it now. I finally have some structure, some clarity, something to give importance and meaning to my day.

Something More To Life: One

I wonder how my father's doing.

Clarity: Open Window

My life is this room. Each item is another memorable moment. All the little specs of dust, people in my everyday. This room only has one exit, and that's for a later time. She's helped me though. There's another exit. A Window, but wait, this is not an exit at all, it's something better, something to air out this stale old room. Something to get rid of this stuffy feeling, something to "un-stuck the stuck". The greatest gift one could ask for! Something "NEW" in life. I'm not trapped anymore, it's no longer a repeated variation day to day. Oh what a lovely window!

Truth: An Attempt

I once overhear a mouth speak "truth"
Yet lie after lie spilled out on the side
And little by little the line between the two
Became so blurred and so broken
Till finally, truth became lie, and lie became truth
And every word I spoke held no proof
Even I was unsure of the validity my words held
And to this day, I have no clue

She: A Poem

And she began to read, "I swept my hand across the sky and watched the clouds dispel from me. Continuing to flutter by until they're where they want to be." Oh how beautiful, I thought. Clouds always were my favorite, and now I had a little piece all to myself. Thank you<3

And again!

Never had clouds ever wavered so low

Or landed themselves on my ceiling
With your songs in my head at the foot of my bed
You just give me the loveliest feeling
I see stars in my sky when I thought all had died
And they’ve printed themselves on my ceiling
You’ve shown me your mind of a beautiful kind
And it gives me the funniest feeling

One day we'll own the sky!

Lost Landscape: Ignorance is Bliss

The first thing I noticed was the sharp pain in my back which was slowly pulsing in and out, in and out. I raised my shirt and gently pressed on the origin of this aching. When I looked at my hand, my two fingers were covered in blood. I took off my shirt and tied it around my chest, covering the new found wound on my back. Due to the strong agony I was in, I had yet to realize where I was. The middle of a large open field. There was no sign of human life anywhere, no cars driving by, no smoke from a factory stack, no noise from construction, no screams of violence, no eyes of segregation, no mouths to speak of hate and evil, it was pure bliss. Despite the ever-growing pain in my back, everything was perfect. I've learned to deal with this pain, I've learned how to ignore it. And so here I live, in perfect bliss, ignoring all the pain.

Today: Again

I woke up next to her, but we were not holding each other. I then recalled that we had been fighting the night before. However, I was not sure as to what we were fighting about, I tried to remember, but I was drawing a blank. I had been drunk yes, maybe that's why it all just seems like a blur of yells. I dreaded her waking up, for I knew that once she opened her eyes and saw me, she too would remember what a beast I had been the night before. Oh what a monster I must have been. I noticed broken glass, oh what a monster I must have been. I noticed alcohol soaking on the floor, oh what a monster I must have been. I noticed her eyes, swollen and red from tears, oh what a monster I must have been. I noticed a mess of everything around the apartment, oh what a monster I must have been. I noticed vomit in and around the toilet, oh what a monster I must have been. I noticed myself in the bathroom mirror, oh... oh what a monster I am.

She: One

My favorite book is, "Life = Senselessness" by Julian Stromer. It reads in reverse, so once you get to the end you're really only at the beginning of it all. The only problem is, it makes no sense whatsoever, and it seems as if though things happen for no reason.

Suburban Sky: Escape

I was trapped. I knew it would be like this, the only thing I was unsure of was when it would all happen, but now I know. September seventeenth, two thousand and eight. It's as if all the rows of identical home after home have slowly been closing in on me. As if these construction workers had been plotting out my death and entrapment since the beginning, paid to capture this weak and lonely boy. Well congratulations to you all, congratulations.

Restlessness: Night

And so I just sat there. A blank stare on my face, gazing off deep past the wall in front of me. I'm not certain as to how long I sat there in silence, thinking about him, and about what he must be feeling. I'm sure he likes me as much as I like him, I mean, my friend told me so. My friend would not lie to me! What reason would she have to? I mean, yeah we were drunk, but he's not the type to sleep with someone just to get some... right? Oh I don't know anymore, all I know is this wall is not getting anymore transparent, and none of this makes any sense whatsoever!

Clouds: Goodmorning

I woke up this morning with half my limbs hanging off the bed. I woke up this morning with the rising sun shinning on half my face. I looked up and out at the beautiful sky, and marveled at how lovely the clouds looked on this particular morning. The way the morning sun made each cloud look so warm and so soft. I laid in bed for hours just looking up at the sky. Until finally, there was nothing left to do on this lovely morning.

Hello: An Introduction

This is my first entry on Blogspot, a move from Myspace blogs. I'm somewhat intimidated and afraid for some reason. I think it's the new environment. I hope things become a bit less awkward for my fingers. Hello! and thank you<3