I've Fooled Myself

I hung up the phone and looked around my bedroom, as if trying to find something that would prove I was still asleep. Something that would prove she didn't say what she said. But alas, there was nothing out of the ordinary. The art she made me was still on my night stand, my phone was still glowing on the charger, and my walls were still dimly lit by the outside, street lamps. I panicked, I didn't want to believe it, I frantically pushed myself up to the window and violently pulled at the blinds. I pulled up on the two black tabs of my window screen and pushed outward. The screen fell out and I stepped up to the windowsill. I tried to convince myself that I would jump. But I could not do it... and then I knew, this was the real world, and I'm still a coward.

Holding Hands

We were riding down the tallest hill in our town. I lifted up my arms and began to flap them like some sort of drunken bird. I leaned my weight to the right and turned without using the handle bar. I was half showing off in front of her and half enjoying myself. The wind was light and crisp, others would consider it "freezing". But not us no. We live for the cold. The clicking of my bicycle chain was constant and fine. She said something, or asked me something, but the wind filtering through my ears, overpowered her soft voice. I simply nodded my head and gave a slight shrug of my shoulders. I figured any kind of response would let her know that I at least tried to hear what she said.

We came to a clearing and got off our bikes. "Let's go to that tree over there" I said, "the tall one with the red in it." She followed me close behind, rolling her bike along side her, as I did mine. We stopped at the foot of the tree and I pulled the blanket out from the basket adhered to my bike. She gently placed her bike on the tree's trunk as I laid the blanket on the lush green land. I laid down on my back and starred up at the sky. There was nothing but a large grayish, whitish blanketed cloud. She laid next to me, on her side, and placed her head on my chest with her arm holding me tightly. She looked up at me, and I looked down in to those dark brown pools. This was all I ever wanted. This.

No Truth,

The last two blogs hold no truth, this one however, does. Regardless of its title.

Irrelevant Relevance

Have you ever looked out a window, to find there's nothing there. There's nothing more on the outside than there is on the inside. It's an extremely saddening feeling. I've always looked to the window as a source of inspiration, as something to make me feel as if there is more in life. But there's nothing out there. Nothing at all, just a large, empty, white landscape of nothing. I don't know what to believe anymore... Is there anything worth living for? Is there anything...

Maybe, maybe the inspiration is not in what is outside the window, but in the window itself. Maybe this blankness is what I've been looking for. Maybe this is the more, the new, the something. Maybe.

This Shit.

My best friend told me that she was going to be there for me whenever no one else would. But she has disappeared, along with the rest of the cold world. Often times I wonder what trust is when trust fades, when trust can be easily broken, when trust is nothing but another word in the dictionary under my bed. Who are you to tell me what to and not to believe?! Who am I? What kind of life is this...

Comeback.

I have come to the realization that I have not wrote anything worth reading in a while. And so here I am. I've been on something like a vacation. However, it's more that of a permanent vacation. I'm not going anywhere, but I'm just a new me. With new objectives, and new ideals, and a new outlook on a once gloomy, uneventful life. I am new. I hope you can come along with me :]