tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19910076737136033952024-03-21T18:39:37.230-07:00Slurred Words: A Collected MisunderstandingPapajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-85564700822206392322013-10-21T00:27:00.001-07:002013-10-21T00:27:05.459-07:00Cheat WeekI gave myself one last week<div>One last week to play around and pretend feeling and acting like everyone else, like everything's fine, and to continue doing things the way I'm comfortable doing them is okay.</div><div>That ends today</div><div>I played sad songs, I got high</div><div>I made out with and fingered a cute girl at a party</div><div>I'm even typing this sad, reminiscent blog post</div><div>I'm drunk</div><div><br></div><div>Hopefully this cheat week will be enough for me to move on</div><div>Hopefully I won't come back to this</div><div>It all seems grim this night</div><div>But hopefully</div><div><br></div><div>Goodnight</div><div><br></div>Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-83263713720502946652013-09-09T21:04:00.001-07:002013-09-09T21:04:15.309-07:00The Top of the Mountain/ The Mountain TopWe hiked to the top of the mountain.<div>But there was nothing there.</div><div>Maybe it wasn't the time..</div><div>Maybe I wasn't in the right state of mind..</div><div>Maybe there isn't anything after all</div><div><br></div><div>At least I got a pretty view</div><div>And at least I got away for a weekend</div><div>Maybe I just need some shrooms..<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5ezdIy8z27piVrk32mTDxSJeHrhxO7-k7DEx3rkXGcUxJX3hRlgbKT7WTm0tyFLbOlCzzvJwPoUMUO2qlHyHo7P_HlPTJusTxnisuN_PkECrn_gtoTFflasz6RFGEpt-VA4bsgeQFvOPP/s640/blogger-image-69883585.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5ezdIy8z27piVrk32mTDxSJeHrhxO7-k7DEx3rkXGcUxJX3hRlgbKT7WTm0tyFLbOlCzzvJwPoUMUO2qlHyHo7P_HlPTJusTxnisuN_PkECrn_gtoTFflasz6RFGEpt-VA4bsgeQFvOPP/s640/blogger-image-69883585.jpg"></a></div></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-81327937060248997472013-08-29T09:14:00.001-07:002013-08-29T09:14:19.854-07:00Let Me In AgainShe's moving to Florida now, and all I can think is, "one last fuck."<div>I don't even know if it's what I really want, but it could be fun, right?</div>Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-50058115557944069382013-08-29T09:12:00.001-07:002013-08-29T09:15:40.074-07:00Take A BreakI always tell myself to take a break from girls<div>When I was younger, it was always one girl after the other</div><div>One failed love after a fling after another failed love</div><div>I'm older now, "wiser," but I still haven't been able to take my own advice</div><div>Sure I haven't been "in a relationship" in a while, but I'm still filling in that hole with people, and I'm still failing them</div><div>But I get lonely too</div><div>I need</div><div>I want</div><div>I feel for people still</div><div>And I guess I don't want to be alone</div><div>I just don't want to begin another failed relationship</div><div><br></div><div>It's going to be a long time before I finally take on another relationship</div><div>But I need to take a break</div><div>Or else it'll just be another failed love after a fling</div>Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-20058242605668808362013-08-29T09:01:00.001-07:002013-08-29T09:01:18.992-07:00Society's DreamMany times I worry about you<div>And about how you say it's okay</div><div>Many times I ask you questions</div><div>Just to see if you'll acknowledge the truth</div><div>I know you can feel it</div><div>I know you have sensed it</div><div>But I know it's easy to forget it and fall back into old habits</div><div>When will it ever change?</div><div>When will we ever have the courage?</div><div>How can it ever change?</div>Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-69635462781706514372013-07-26T22:54:00.001-07:002013-07-26T22:54:57.675-07:00The Wrong ThingI watched him hold her as she wiped the tears from her eyes<div>He looked lost</div><div>This was all his doing, but he looked confused still</div><div>He was holding her, to console her, to tell her not to cry</div><div>But he also didn't want to let go, he wanted her even more then</div><div><br></div><div>As I watched through my truck's window, waiting at that red light</div><div>I knew who he was</div><div>I saw myself in him</div><div><br></div><div>She moved away, still wiping her tears</div><div>She was ready to let go</div><div>But he still wanted to hold her</div><div>That poor, selfish fool</div>Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-10647746319877368572013-05-08T21:48:00.001-07:002013-05-08T21:48:36.803-07:00My BugsMy bugs are crawling in, and they shouldn't be<br />
They're speaking gentler now, and they shouldn't be<br />
I'm afraid one day I'll smash my bug, and I shouldn't be<br />
But how long can I go on saying that things shouldn't be?<br />
<br />
How much attention do I need?<br />
How much attention do you need?Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-60685982315199305752013-01-19T21:29:00.002-08:002013-02-02T19:45:02.561-08:00Who You AreI love you<br />
I miss you<br />
Winky faces<br />
Less-than-threes<br />
She sent them all<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">And I cherished them</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">Re-read texts</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">Held my phone close</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">But then it'd stop, and it'd be that way for a while</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">I miss you</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">I love you</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">They would start again</span><br />
<br />
Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-2942151486569795992013-01-19T21:24:00.000-08:002013-01-19T21:24:20.822-08:00Who I Am"Who the hell are you? Asking my girlfriend to cuddle and whatnot."<br />
I wanted to tell him I didn't think I was anyone<br />
I wanted to tell him that she told me she <i>kind of </i>had a boyfriend<br />
I wanted to tell him I was just a lonely man who wanted someone to hold<br />
Who thought maybe he could hold her<br />
Who wouldn't have wanted anything more<br />
<br />
But all that came out<br />
Was, "I apologize."Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-85155365373600060022012-09-08T03:21:00.002-07:002012-09-08T03:21:43.324-07:00I Don't Want to be in a Relationship"I don't want to be in a relationship." She said, and I responded that I didn't either. It was great. We hung out many times after that, just as friends, just as buddies. But still, I wanted something more, and she knew it. And then one night, things changed. I asked her over to watch a movie, and during the movie, I asked her to lay next to me. She asked why, and I said, "nevermind." Because, well, she knew why. I had told her one drunken night before that I had feelings for her, but since we were friends, I was trying to subdue the feelings. But I was never very good at that. By the end of the film, she had fallen asleep. I noticed she was holding my couch pillow between her thighs, and so I asked if I could take the place of the pillow and lay next to her. I told her I wouldn't, try anything. She let me, and we held each other for a while. It was nice.. but then she began to caress me, and so I did the same. Before long, we were kissing, and rubbing, and it felt wonderful. We did this for a few weeks to come, but then just as suddenly as it had begun, she said she didn't want a thing to do with me. Maybe it was my phrasing when I said, "I like the things that come with relationships" that made her feel she needed to reinstate that she DID NOT WANT a relationship. I told her it was fine, and that I didn't either, but it was gone. She was gone. It was sweet for three weeks. I read her a bedtime story, she fed me things, we swapped books, went out to bars, she slept on my lap, she kissed me goodbye, we slept in her friends bed. But now she is gone. I don't want to be in a relationship.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-50623954145933568692012-07-31T03:04:00.000-07:002012-07-31T03:04:05.329-07:00I'm Looking For A Lot of LoveIt's like I just want to hug everyone.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-74398646197811367602012-07-22T03:45:00.003-07:002012-07-22T03:48:27.370-07:00Something. More.There is a hill. And maybe I was right. Maybe there was something at the top. Maybe it was, IS, the answer to everything. Maybe if everyone stopped doing their everyday, maybe if they thought for a second that everything we've ever done to build a "better future" or to make our race live could possibly have been the wrong decision, then we could see. Maybe if we could somehow erase what we accept as normal, what we've been fed since birth, and what the us before them have been told, then maybe there would be some truth inside. Maybe there is an answer. But maybe everyone is too afraid to even accept the thought. Because it's too comfortable, because it's what they know, because it's what they accept, and because they don't want to admit they might be wrong. I'm going to go back to that hill, to that mountain, and look for it myself. Even if I'm the only one.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-19359496185434889032012-07-12T03:09:00.000-07:002012-07-12T03:10:46.732-07:00It's EasyHolding on to people is easy
But letting go is easy too..
If I try hard enough to believe they're the same, then it all becomes true.
Just as I had loved you not so long ago, I can easily toss you in my basket of nostalgia. I'll take you out every now and then and play with you like I used to. Before you hated me, before you looked at me with those new eyes.
It's easy holding on to people
But it's easy to let go.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-8691918436524904442012-06-18T03:25:00.003-07:002012-06-18T03:25:56.024-07:00In My HeadIt's amazing how it seems that everyone is lost at the same time.
How it feels like I've been in and or of it for months, maybe years.
I want to move forward, to move on. But how?
I have to get out of my head. Stop worrying, keep doing.
Everything will keep happening, I've just got to keep happening too, right?Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-10253808994578960832012-05-25T22:33:00.000-07:002012-06-18T03:28:30.692-07:00RealI'm at a point of great clarity<br />That doesn't mean I'm great though<br />Just that I'm in a clear, conscious state of mind,<br />And that I can hopefully figure everything out, and continue the way I want to<br /><br />Maybe it was the shrooms, maybe it was the "poor man's lean," or maybe it was the constant marijuana and beer. Or maybe it was a combination of everything, and time and experience.<br /><br />Either way, I plan on limiting my drug intake, and my alcohol consumption<br />I'm not against any of it, but I feel it was clouding my vision<br />And a nice while apart from it could be good<br /><br />Goodnight<br />Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-7428406880219220462012-05-11T02:53:00.002-07:002012-05-11T02:53:27.782-07:00Checking InShe stopped calling.
I'd moved out a couple states east, for work. And she stayed back home, for school.
She said she loved me and we could make it work, but we argued a lot.
Had fights, I made her cry, she made me cry.
After a while it just seemed like we were only calling each other to check in.
But shes stopped calling.
And so I guess I don't need this phone anymore.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-4321955994418344902012-05-05T15:16:00.001-07:002012-05-05T15:16:09.519-07:00Back HomeI stayed up all night reading her tweets, her posts, her conversations.
I stayed up all night missing her from afar. There's no point in her knowing anyway.
I tweeted too, posted, in response to her, as if I were talking to her, as if I were still there.
What is it that makes me do? What is it me and you?
I've found that I've lost myself. It's hard, it's strange.
That's why I left in the first place, but now I'm here.
Back home, by myself, staying up all night.
What is it that makes me do? Who am I and me and you?Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-34589606887261430602009-10-07T02:55:00.000-07:002009-10-07T03:14:55.601-07:00I Must Have Been Looking At SomethingShe was sleeping when she wasn't at school, and I was working, working, working.<br /><br />As the days dragged on, I knew that the physical distance between us was slowly becoming an emotional one as well. I don't know why I let it happen, I don't know why she let it happen. I'm sure she thought I was fixated on other things. I mean, I must have been looking at something, right?<br /><br />Being the fool that I was, I let go, and we began to fall, further and further.<br /><br />It was pitch black all around, yet I knew she was somewhere nearby, I could feel it! After all, I <span style="font-style: italic;">had</span> been holding her hand just a second ago. Though the fear of hitting the ground was pulsing through my body, and clouding my thoughts, I was able to work up enough strength to reach out with my arms, in hopes of grabbing on to something, to someone.<br /><br />And still, I fell, and fell, and fell.<br /><br />I tried to look through the darkness, to find some sign of her. I would have grabbed on to anything! But the idea that she was still out there, reaching out as I was, gave me <span style="font-style: italic;">some</span> hope.<br /><br />But still, I fell, and fell, and fell.<br /><br />Until finally, I crashed into the nothing of a floor...<br />and it hurt.<br /><br />I waited, I waited to hear her slam against the floor as well, but I heard nothing. It was then that I knew she had found a hand to hold on to. It was then that I knew I'd lost her.<br /><br />Oh but if only she'd of know that I wasn't looking at anything.<br />Oh but if only she'd of know that I was only looking at her.<br />Oh but if only she'd of know that I was always looking at her.<br />If only she'd of know.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-23373740088552941982009-09-09T00:41:00.000-07:002009-09-09T00:56:45.316-07:00(Untitled One)I sped down that interstate, the wind from outside making my wet cheeks even colder. I stared out at the town I called home, it was asleep now, but I was awake. The stars played connect the dots and spelled out all the words I didn't say in the space between the power lines.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-81785858228407551512009-08-19T13:27:00.000-07:002009-08-19T13:34:56.752-07:00My EyesI'm falling, but I'm upside down, so it looks like I'm flying upward.<br />But there's no infinity when I get up there.<br />There's only dirt and mud.<br /><br />Time flies past me.<br />Days are more like hours and months pass by like weeks.<br />At this rate I'll die before it's even time for winter, my most favorite season.<br /><br />If only I hadn't closed my eyes<br />If only I hadn't closed<br />If only I had my eyes<br />If only I closed my eyes<br />If I closed my eyesPapajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-87504110087495095482009-07-12T14:25:00.000-07:002009-07-12T14:28:13.068-07:00GoodbyeI can't recall much of last night<br />All I remember are those red drapes<br /><br />He can't recall much of last night<br />All he can remember is the leather couch and the way it smelled<br /><br />I can't recall much of last night<br />All I can remember is the way the moon poured in the room<br /><br />He can't recall much of last night<br />All he can remember is the way her breast felt as she breathed<br /><br />I can't recall much of last night<br />Oh who am I kidding, I remember last night all too wellPapajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-8237316113931425802009-07-08T17:52:00.001-07:002009-07-08T17:52:55.739-07:00Send That Shit Out!Send it!Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-71718680225576806822009-07-08T17:48:00.001-07:002009-07-12T14:31:15.532-07:00TodayToday is my first day of school and I am scared.<br />I don't know anyone here, just Bobby, and he smells bad anyway.<br /><br />Today is my first day of school and I am scared.<br />This building's way too tall and my legs are way too small.<br />There are stairs everywhere and sometimes I fear I'll fall.<br />It's likely to happen too! I heard it happened to some kid last year after all.<br /><br />Today is my first day of school and I am scared.<br />I don't know anyone here, just Bobby, and he smells bad anyway.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-59536824499360918502009-07-08T17:33:00.000-07:002009-07-08T17:42:21.320-07:00Not Even Starry CloudsThat gap between the stars and the clouds has become much smaller.<br />Now I drool over the clouds in the day, and stare upward for hours gazing at the stars at night.<br /><br />I love them both, I do.<br />But who am I to say which is better?<br />Who am I to say what is right?<br /><br />Not even cloudy stars or starry clouds would simplify this now.<br />Not even starry clouds.Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1991007673713603395.post-56688332262228308932009-07-03T11:29:00.000-07:002009-07-03T11:34:03.990-07:00It's Been Some Time NowThings are well.<br /><br /><br /><br />:]Papajessehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00283225199895621737noreply@blogger.com0