I Don't Want to be in a Relationship

"I don't want to be in a relationship." She said, and I responded that I didn't either. It was great. We hung out many times after that, just as friends, just as buddies. But still, I wanted something more, and she knew it. And then one night, things changed. I asked her over to watch a movie, and during the movie, I asked her to lay next to me. She asked why, and I said, "nevermind." Because, well, she knew why. I had told her one drunken night before that I had feelings for her, but since we were friends, I was trying to subdue the feelings. But I was never very good at that. By the end of the film, she had fallen asleep. I noticed she was holding my couch pillow between her thighs, and so I asked if I could take the place of the pillow and lay next to her. I told her I wouldn't, try anything. She let me, and we held each other for a while. It was nice.. but then she began to caress me, and so I did the same. Before long, we were kissing, and rubbing, and it felt wonderful. We did this for a few weeks to come, but then just as suddenly as it had begun, she said she didn't want a thing to do with me. Maybe it was my phrasing when I said, "I like the things that come with relationships" that made her feel she needed to reinstate that she DID NOT WANT a relationship. I told her it was fine, and that I didn't either, but it was gone. She was gone. It was sweet for three weeks. I read her a bedtime story, she fed me things, we swapped books, went out to bars, she slept on my lap, she kissed me goodbye, we slept in her friends bed. But now she is gone. I don't want to be in a relationship.

I'm Looking For A Lot of Love

It's like I just want to hug everyone.

Something. More.

There is a hill. And maybe I was right. Maybe there was something at the top. Maybe it was, IS, the answer to everything. Maybe if everyone stopped doing their everyday, maybe if they thought for a second that everything we've ever done to build a "better future" or to make our race live could possibly have been the wrong decision, then we could see. Maybe if we could somehow erase what we accept as normal, what we've been fed since birth, and what the us before them have been told, then maybe there would be some truth inside. Maybe there is an answer. But maybe everyone is too afraid to even accept the thought. Because it's too comfortable, because it's what they know, because it's what they accept, and because they don't want to admit they might be wrong. I'm going to go back to that hill, to that mountain, and look for it myself. Even if I'm the only one.

It's Easy

Holding on to people is easy But letting go is easy too.. If I try hard enough to believe they're the same, then it all becomes true. Just as I had loved you not so long ago, I can easily toss you in my basket of nostalgia. I'll take you out every now and then and play with you like I used to. Before you hated me, before you looked at me with those new eyes. It's easy holding on to people But it's easy to let go.

In My Head

It's amazing how it seems that everyone is lost at the same time. How it feels like I've been in and or of it for months, maybe years. I want to move forward, to move on. But how? I have to get out of my head. Stop worrying, keep doing. Everything will keep happening, I've just got to keep happening too, right?

Real

I'm at a point of great clarity
That doesn't mean I'm great though
Just that I'm in a clear, conscious state of mind,
And that I can hopefully figure everything out, and continue the way I want to

Maybe it was the shrooms, maybe it was the "poor man's lean," or maybe it was the constant marijuana and beer. Or maybe it was a combination of everything, and time and experience.

Either way, I plan on limiting my drug intake, and my alcohol consumption
I'm not against any of it, but I feel it was clouding my vision
And a nice while apart from it could be good

Goodnight

Checking In

She stopped calling. I'd moved out a couple states east, for work. And she stayed back home, for school. She said she loved me and we could make it work, but we argued a lot. Had fights, I made her cry, she made me cry. After a while it just seemed like we were only calling each other to check in. But shes stopped calling. And so I guess I don't need this phone anymore.

Back Home

I stayed up all night reading her tweets, her posts, her conversations. I stayed up all night missing her from afar. There's no point in her knowing anyway. I tweeted too, posted, in response to her, as if I were talking to her, as if I were still there. What is it that makes me do? What is it me and you? I've found that I've lost myself. It's hard, it's strange. That's why I left in the first place, but now I'm here. Back home, by myself, staying up all night. What is it that makes me do? Who am I and me and you?