Cheat Week

I gave myself one last week

One last week to play around and pretend feeling and acting like everyone else, like everything's fine, and to continue doing things the way I'm comfortable doing them is okay.

That ends today

I played sad songs, I got high

I made out with and fingered a cute girl at a party

I'm even typing this sad, reminiscent blog post

I'm drunk

Hopefully this cheat week will be enough for me to move on

Hopefully I won't come back to this

It all seems grim this night

But hopefully

Goodnight

The Top of the Mountain/ The Mountain Top

We hiked to the top of the mountain.

But there was nothing there.

Maybe it wasn't the time..

Maybe I wasn't in the right state of mind..

Maybe there isn't anything after all

At least I got a pretty view

And at least I got away for a weekend

Maybe I just need some shrooms..

Let Me In Again

She's moving to Florida now, and all I can think is, "one last fuck."

I don't even know if it's what I really want, but it could be fun, right?

Take A Break

I always tell myself to take a break from girls

When I was younger, it was always one girl after the other

One failed love after a fling after another failed love

I'm older now, "wiser," but I still haven't been able to take my own advice

Sure I haven't been "in a relationship" in a while, but I'm still filling in that hole with people, and I'm still failing them

But I get lonely too

I need

I want

I feel for people still

And I guess I don't want to be alone

I just don't want to begin another failed relationship

It's going to be a long time before I finally take on another relationship

But I need to take a break

Or else it'll just be another failed love after a fling

Society's Dream

Many times I worry about you

And about how you say it's okay

Many times I ask you questions

Just to see if you'll acknowledge the truth

I know you can feel it

I know you have sensed it

But I know it's easy to forget it and fall back into old habits

When will it ever change?

When will we ever have the courage?

How can it ever change?

The Wrong Thing

I watched him hold her as she wiped the tears from her eyes

He looked lost

This was all his doing, but he looked confused still

He was holding her, to console her, to tell her not to cry

But he also didn't want to let go, he wanted her even more then

As I watched through my truck's window, waiting at that red light

I knew who he was

I saw myself in him

She moved away, still wiping her tears

She was ready to let go

But he still wanted to hold her

That poor, selfish fool

My Bugs

My bugs are crawling in, and they shouldn't be
They're speaking gentler now, and they shouldn't be
I'm afraid one day I'll smash my bug, and I shouldn't be
But how long can I go on saying that things shouldn't be?

How much attention do I need?
How much attention do you need?

Who You Are

I love you
I miss you
Winky faces
Less-than-threes
She sent them all
And I cherished them
Re-read texts
Held my phone close
But then it'd stop, and it'd be that way for a while

I miss you
I love you
They would start again

Who I Am

"Who the hell are you? Asking my girlfriend to cuddle and whatnot."
I wanted to tell him I didn't think I was anyone
I wanted to tell him that she told me she kind of had a boyfriend
I wanted to tell him I was just a lonely man who wanted someone to hold
Who thought maybe he could hold her
Who wouldn't have wanted anything more

But all that came out
Was, "I apologize."

I Don't Want to be in a Relationship

"I don't want to be in a relationship." She said, and I responded that I didn't either. It was great. We hung out many times after that, just as friends, just as buddies. But still, I wanted something more, and she knew it. And then one night, things changed. I asked her over to watch a movie, and during the movie, I asked her to lay next to me. She asked why, and I said, "nevermind." Because, well, she knew why. I had told her one drunken night before that I had feelings for her, but since we were friends, I was trying to subdue the feelings. But I was never very good at that. By the end of the film, she had fallen asleep. I noticed she was holding my couch pillow between her thighs, and so I asked if I could take the place of the pillow and lay next to her. I told her I wouldn't, try anything. She let me, and we held each other for a while. It was nice.. but then she began to caress me, and so I did the same. Before long, we were kissing, and rubbing, and it felt wonderful. We did this for a few weeks to come, but then just as suddenly as it had begun, she said she didn't want a thing to do with me. Maybe it was my phrasing when I said, "I like the things that come with relationships" that made her feel she needed to reinstate that she DID NOT WANT a relationship. I told her it was fine, and that I didn't either, but it was gone. She was gone. It was sweet for three weeks. I read her a bedtime story, she fed me things, we swapped books, went out to bars, she slept on my lap, she kissed me goodbye, we slept in her friends bed. But now she is gone. I don't want to be in a relationship.

I'm Looking For A Lot of Love

It's like I just want to hug everyone.

Something. More.

There is a hill. And maybe I was right. Maybe there was something at the top. Maybe it was, IS, the answer to everything. Maybe if everyone stopped doing their everyday, maybe if they thought for a second that everything we've ever done to build a "better future" or to make our race live could possibly have been the wrong decision, then we could see. Maybe if we could somehow erase what we accept as normal, what we've been fed since birth, and what the us before them have been told, then maybe there would be some truth inside. Maybe there is an answer. But maybe everyone is too afraid to even accept the thought. Because it's too comfortable, because it's what they know, because it's what they accept, and because they don't want to admit they might be wrong. I'm going to go back to that hill, to that mountain, and look for it myself. Even if I'm the only one.

It's Easy

Holding on to people is easy But letting go is easy too.. If I try hard enough to believe they're the same, then it all becomes true. Just as I had loved you not so long ago, I can easily toss you in my basket of nostalgia. I'll take you out every now and then and play with you like I used to. Before you hated me, before you looked at me with those new eyes. It's easy holding on to people But it's easy to let go.

In My Head

It's amazing how it seems that everyone is lost at the same time. How it feels like I've been in and or of it for months, maybe years. I want to move forward, to move on. But how? I have to get out of my head. Stop worrying, keep doing. Everything will keep happening, I've just got to keep happening too, right?

Real

I'm at a point of great clarity
That doesn't mean I'm great though
Just that I'm in a clear, conscious state of mind,
And that I can hopefully figure everything out, and continue the way I want to

Maybe it was the shrooms, maybe it was the "poor man's lean," or maybe it was the constant marijuana and beer. Or maybe it was a combination of everything, and time and experience.

Either way, I plan on limiting my drug intake, and my alcohol consumption
I'm not against any of it, but I feel it was clouding my vision
And a nice while apart from it could be good

Goodnight

Checking In

She stopped calling. I'd moved out a couple states east, for work. And she stayed back home, for school. She said she loved me and we could make it work, but we argued a lot. Had fights, I made her cry, she made me cry. After a while it just seemed like we were only calling each other to check in. But shes stopped calling. And so I guess I don't need this phone anymore.

Back Home

I stayed up all night reading her tweets, her posts, her conversations. I stayed up all night missing her from afar. There's no point in her knowing anyway. I tweeted too, posted, in response to her, as if I were talking to her, as if I were still there. What is it that makes me do? What is it me and you? I've found that I've lost myself. It's hard, it's strange. That's why I left in the first place, but now I'm here. Back home, by myself, staying up all night. What is it that makes me do? Who am I and me and you?

I Must Have Been Looking At Something

She was sleeping when she wasn't at school, and I was working, working, working.

As the days dragged on, I knew that the physical distance between us was slowly becoming an emotional one as well. I don't know why I let it happen, I don't know why she let it happen. I'm sure she thought I was fixated on other things. I mean, I must have been looking at something, right?

Being the fool that I was, I let go, and we began to fall, further and further.

It was pitch black all around, yet I knew she was somewhere nearby, I could feel it! After all, I had been holding her hand just a second ago. Though the fear of hitting the ground was pulsing through my body, and clouding my thoughts, I was able to work up enough strength to reach out with my arms, in hopes of grabbing on to something, to someone.

And still, I fell, and fell, and fell.

I tried to look through the darkness, to find some sign of her. I would have grabbed on to anything! But the idea that she was still out there, reaching out as I was, gave me some hope.

But still, I fell, and fell, and fell.

Until finally, I crashed into the nothing of a floor...
and it hurt.

I waited, I waited to hear her slam against the floor as well, but I heard nothing. It was then that I knew she had found a hand to hold on to. It was then that I knew I'd lost her.

Oh but if only she'd of know that I wasn't looking at anything.
Oh but if only she'd of know that I was only looking at her.
Oh but if only she'd of know that I was always looking at her.
If only she'd of know.

(Untitled One)

I sped down that interstate, the wind from outside making my wet cheeks even colder. I stared out at the town I called home, it was asleep now, but I was awake. The stars played connect the dots and spelled out all the words I didn't say in the space between the power lines.

My Eyes

I'm falling, but I'm upside down, so it looks like I'm flying upward.
But there's no infinity when I get up there.
There's only dirt and mud.

Time flies past me.
Days are more like hours and months pass by like weeks.
At this rate I'll die before it's even time for winter, my most favorite season.

If only I hadn't closed my eyes
If only I hadn't closed
If only I had my eyes
If only I closed my eyes
If I closed my eyes